First Day of Internship at Red Cross Hospital

I cannot stop crying. I am upset because I am frustrated and because of the things that I saw today. I really don't know if I can do this.

Jeff and I arrived at the Red Cross Hospital at 8:30, like Dr. Millar said to. First of all, there was nobody there. It was so disorganized that I was getting really frustrated . I need to get used to the fact that this country is much more disorganized and "go with the flow", which everybody knows is hard for me to do. I am used to having an organized first week at an internship, like at Pfizer, which to some degree, is disorganized as well. When we arrived, Dr. Millar was not in, his secretary was not expecting us and had no idea what we were to do. We were thrown into a lecture with final year med students. It was a talk about how to define child abuse, what typical signs there are if a child is being abused and then what to do if you suspect a child is being abused. Eventually, I found Dr. Millar and asked him what he wanted us to do. Thankfully he remembered us (only after we mentioned Vernon) and said that Dr. Rhodas would be taking care of us. According to Dr. Millar, Dr. Rhodas had a project in mind for me but did not know what to do with Jeff yet. We ran into Dr. Rhodas in the hallway and we introduced ourselves. I had hoped to get started on what I was going to do today but that was not the case. First off, he told me that I would be doing research on opportunistic infections in burn victims. I was disappointed because I really thought I would be doing HIV/AIDS research and that is what I told graduate schools I would be doing. All in all, the burn victims project would still be cool but that is what everybody does when they work at the Red Cross Hospital. What really annoyed me is that Dr. Rhodas and Dr. Millar took no time to get to know me, what my background was or anything. They assumed that I was a premed student and when I explained to them that I am not, that in fact I am more interested in laboratory research with infectious diseases, they once again did not know what to do with me. So once again, I have no idea what I am doing. I asked what they wanted us to do for the rest of the day and Dr. Rhodas decided (since he was not feeling well and was going to go home) that for the rest of the week, we should shadow the medical students. Once again, a major disappointment.

So we spent the entire day shadowing the medical students. Jeff and I went with a bunch of students to the surgery ward and we were supposed to witness operations on burn victims but we were too late to see any of them. Katie (a last year medical student from Edinburgh) and I decided to sit in on a different surgery where they were essentially doing a tracheotomy or something of that sort. It was 28 degrees celcius in the room (don't know what it is in farenheit but it was really hot) and I started feeling faint. Although I watch surgeries on t.v., I could not handle watching a live surgery on a little baby. I left and waited outside (since I really thought that I would faint) and felt so ashamed of myself that I could not handle it.

After that ordeal, we went to the burn unit where a bunch of doctors were doing check-ups on the skin grafts of various burn victims. This is where I could not handle it and part of the reason why I cannot stop crying. There were so many children, probably 75 (and that was a slow day to them) that came in with their parents to have their burns/skin grafts examined. These weren't just local burns though. Most children had burns down the side of their head, covering their abdomen, and all over their arms. The oldest child there was probably no older than 7. In order to protect the burns, the areas are wrapped in what looked like seranwrap. With some children, they had so many burns that they walked into the room covered in only seranwrap and underwear. One child had a skin graft placed underneath his neck. Half of the graft took (meaning that the skin was attaching) while the other half did not take. More than likely, this child is going to have to undergo another skin graft. Not only did we have to look at the areas where the skin was attached but the donor area: the place where the skin was taken from, in order to check for infections. One child had a horrible infection and had to be admitted. With children that have burns on their joints, such as their elbow or hands, the doctors had to force them to bend their elbow or make a fist. This is because scarring is eventually going to set in and when that occurs, it shrinks the amount of skin over that area. If the skin shrinks, it is harder to move the hand or elbow. If that happens, the muscle will actually shorten. This may not seem to be that big of a deal, to make a child use his arm or hand but these were babies who had third degree burns on their joints and in making them use their hand or arm, they were screaming. I cannot even begin to imagine the type of pain they were in. I just could not handle it and sometimes, I needed to crouch on the ground because I thought I was going to faint. If I am going to work in the burn ward on opportunistic infections, how can I possibly do this, day in and day out? I really don't know if I can handle this. I know it was only the first day and it was a very overwhelming first day but what if I never get used to it? What if I always feel like I am going to faint? I can see all of the children in my head. People who work there stated that most of the children are admitted for trauma in car accidents, drowning and burns. Most of the burns this time of year are hot water burns which is why these children were covered, head to toe, in burns. During the winter, the majority of the burns are from fire because in the townships, burning a fire is the only way to stay warm. With the houses built so close, the fires can easily get out of control and it just spreads, leaving tons of devastation and burn victims. I just don't know if I can emotionally handle this.

Tomorrow and Wednesday are going to be even worse because according to the med student schedule, which Jeff and I have to follow this week, we have to go to a surgery ward, trauma unit and burns ward rounds. In the trauma unit, people have stated that it is not unusual to see children there to be treated for knife wounds. This is why I did not want to be a doctor and why I never want to be a doctor. I do not want to see capacity people have to hurt one another; I do not want to see how unforunate people's lives can be. What is even harder is that all of the patients are children - innocent children. I do not know why I thought I could handle this because I don't think I can. Stick me in a lab with some infectious disease - I will be fine there but if you show me the patients that are affected by these diseases, by human nature and whatever else, I break down emotionally.

I really hope it will be better next week. I am dreading going tomorrow and on Wednesday. I am frustrated because I still have no idea what my project is and what that will be like. Other people are figuring out what their internships are really going to be like while I have to wait yet another week because they are too busy to deal with Jeff and I. I just feel so lost and emotionally unhinged.